7 People to Avoid Like Hell in the Office
Every office has one (or more) of them. Here are seven particularly troublesome coworkers to avoid.
by Ali Hale
Successfully negotiating office life means avoiding people who are generally a pain in the a** to be around (i.e., people who sap your energy and unnecessarily take up your time). Here are the top seven people to avoid like hell:
1. The Drama Queen
The Drama Queen turns every mishap into a major catastrophe. Her departmental review wasn’t stellar? Horror! The coffee’s run out? Disaster! She’s snagged a nail? The apocalypse is coming…To the Drama Queen, the company is constantly on the brink of collapse, and she’s certain she’s about to receive a pink slip.
Most likely to say:
“We’re going to be bankrupt soon. I can’t cope any more!”
Least likely to say:
“It’s no big deal. They’ll have forgotten about it by next week.”
2. The Weasel (i.e., Mr. “It’s Not My Fault”)
The Weasel is never, ever at fault. He single-handedly crashed the entire company network? It was because his monitor was too small, his computer was being slow and the noisy A/C distracted him at a crucial moment. The Weasel can also wriggle out of any job he doesn’t want to do, usually by dropping it on your desk and scampering.
Most likely to say:
“It wasn’t my fault.”
Least likely to say:
“Can I help you out with your workload?”
3. The Hypochondriac
The Hypochondriac can be hard to spot, as she’s rarely at work. When she does grace the office with her presence, she’s surrounded by a cloud of tissues and the contents of a small drug store. She’ll never shake hands with you until she’s donned a latex glove. She has 20 different medical websites bookmarked, and the five nearest hospitals on speed dial.
Most likely to say:
“I’m sure I shouldn’t be at work; I feel so awful. I expect I have a migraine coming on, and I think a touch of pneumonia. And my leg just doesn’t feel right, and being at a computer is putting me at risk of a repetitive strain injury…” (At this point, you zone out.)
Least likely to say:
“I’m fine, thanks. How are you?”
4. The Luddite
The Luddite has never quite come to grips with newfangled technology like computers, and he sees this as a point of pride. To the Luddite, admitting you can switch a computer on is admitting you’re a geek. If he finds out you’re competent, he’ll pester you to do every little thing for him: send emails, put more paper in the printer, sort out the fax, answer his phone…
Most likely to say:
“Where’s the ‘Any’ key?”
Least likely to say:
“Don’t worry; I’ll use the help manual.”
5. The Evangelist
The Evangelist is a new convert—sometimes, like the serial dieter, switching religions every week. He will stop by your desk every few hours to gaze into your eyes, take your hands in his and tell you, very solemnly, that you’re a sinner damned to hell (or condemned to be reborn as a cockroach). A few days later, you’ll find badly photocopied tracts in your “in” tray. Whenever he passes you in the corridor, he’ll ask if you’ve “seen the light” yet.
Most likely to say:
“Only followers of the One True Faith will escape damnation!”
Least likely to say:
“Religion is the opiate of the masses.”
6. The Serial Dieter
The Serial Dieter starts a new diet plan every Monday, telling everyone she’s really determined this time. She crunches on carrot sticks and celery through lunch. She suggests you might like to follow her low-carb (low-fat, high-fibre, GI, celebrity-endorsed) example, telling you that you could do with losing a few pounds. On Tuesday, you spot her scarfing down a giant slab of chocolate cake in the corridor.
Most likely to say:
“There’s 623 calories in your sandwich!”
Least likely to say:
“I’ve lost 50 pounds!”
7. The Boss’s Spy
The Boss’s Spy pretends to be one of you, joining in the gossip round the water cooler and declaring his secret loathing for the organization. He laughs along with everyone else at your cartoons of the management team, even offering to enlarge them for the Christmas party. Then he goes straight to the boss to give you all up.
Most likely to say:
“You’re planning to quit? And you’ve secretly been working to sabotage the company from within?” (Whilst adjusting hidden mic.)
Least likely to say:
“It’s not any of my business.”